Redirection

I know myself well enough to know that dwelling on anything is not only counterproductive but detrimental. This weekend seems longer than most. It’s bitterly cold and I have not desire to do anything. The thought of going outside makes me cringe. I hate this… It would be easier to keep myself distracted if I could tolerate the subzero temperatures outside my door. Getting on a plane is extremely appealing at this moment.

I feel like a toddler who requires redirection after a disappointment or meltdown because of the word “no”. How pathetic is that?

I am trying to be a good mom despite being preoccupied. My husband has seen me teary-eyed several times this month and has asked why. Hormones, stress or some other BS excuse. Truth being that while those could be contributing factors, it’s so much deeper than that.

I am thankful for a handful of people who allow me to lean on them. There’s just so many emotions that I am dealing with right now. I wish I could put this to bed, a move past this. So many conflicting emotions. Would my husband be happier with someone else? Will my daughter think it’s ok to stay in a marriage like mine? At what point do you throw in the towel?

It’s just a cluster fuck. All of it.

Dreams Become Nightmares

The hardest part about loving someone you shouldn’t is the unknown. Waking up to the harsh reality of truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Imagine having a nightmare where you’ve both tried to do what’s right by not being in contact, only to get a message from someone else who knows about your dilemma and informs you of an accident. That was my nightmare which I awoke this afternoon…

It had been sometime which I heard from you. I assumed he was busy, likely getting ready for his trip to London. I get a text message from an unknown number from someone who knows my name insisting I call them. I stare wondering who the hell it is for a few minutes. I reluctantly call and brace myself for the worst. I had no idea…

“It’s ___________, he’s been in a car accident.”

My heart sunk.

“Someone cut him off and his truck flipped several times, he’s in a coma. The doctors are doing everything that can right now. __________ is at next to him singing to him and our parents are on a plane on their way here. It’s not looking good. I’m sorry. ”

The phone disconnects before I have to chance to say thank you or anything else for that matter. I am nauseous and tears are pouring from my eyes. I’m losing someone I never had. I will never be able to mourn him even if he recovers. What if he doesn’t, would I be allowed to go to his funeral?

This is completely effed up. The cold, harsh reality set in. Just then I am woken by my child stomping across the floor above me. So now I wait hoping to hear from him, praying everything is ok and struggling to digest that while this was just a nightmare, it’s very much reality. I am not part of his life.

Time heals nothing…

I could kick myself for every time I have said that to someone, clearly speaking naively. Every minute of every day, you’re there… in my thoughts. My soul, a place well guarded is refusing to let go. I’m trying. I’m told this is a normal phase of the grieving process. Nothing about grieving is normal. I am not present in my own life, I am holding on by a thread. That is a miracle…