Redirection

I know myself well enough to know that dwelling on anything is not only counterproductive but detrimental. This weekend seems longer than most. It’s bitterly cold and I have not desire to do anything. The thought of going outside makes me cringe. I hate this… It would be easier to keep myself distracted if I could tolerate the subzero temperatures outside my door. Getting on a plane is extremely appealing at this moment.

I feel like a toddler who requires redirection after a disappointment or meltdown because of the word “no”. How pathetic is that?

I am trying to be a good mom despite being preoccupied. My husband has seen me teary-eyed several times this month and has asked why. Hormones, stress or some other BS excuse. Truth being that while those could be contributing factors, it’s so much deeper than that.

I am thankful for a handful of people who allow me to lean on them. There’s just so many emotions that I am dealing with right now. I wish I could put this to bed, a move past this. So many conflicting emotions. Would my husband be happier with someone else? Will my daughter think it’s ok to stay in a marriage like mine? At what point do you throw in the towel?

It’s just a cluster fuck. All of it.